How to be a Private Eye

===LETTER FROM PORTLAND===

“You have to, like, pee in a milk jug and stuff.”

So says Jeff, who has been camped out at the bar, drinking PBR’s since 10pm. Jeff is a young guy, maybe 27 or 28, with big dark circles under his eyes and a several-days beard. He's trying to explain what it takes to be a private eye. It’s 1:30am.

I ask him what he means.

“It’s like, when you want to scope somebody out, you have to, like, hide in a big refrigerator carton outside their house. And at some point you’re gonna need to pee, so you just pee in a milk jug.”

Jeff explains that at present, he is not a licensed private eye.

“I’m actually thinking of just not getting a license. I think you’re more legit that way. I’ll just start, you know, advertising, get my name out there.”

He tells me that right now—and until he figures out the whole private eye thing—he is self-employed as an artist.

“Actually, I just sold a painting to a bar on Alberta. I sold it to them for a hundred beers. So far I’ve had like forty of them. My goal is to get a painting in every bar on Alberta.”

And then?

“Then maybe I’ll get a painting in every bar in Portland.”

And then?

“Well, you know, there are always other cities.”

JR