My Best Friend Who Weighs 500 Pounds

===LETTER FROM PORTLAND===

Tell me if this ever happens to you. Someone is telling you a story, and it sounds like the kind of story that has a moral (e.g. ‘always tell the truth’). But in this particular case, you can’t really figure out what the moral is supposed to be. It’s just kind of weird.

This is exactly what happened to me. The other night, a woman came into the bar. Let’s call her Kay. Kay is middle-aged (50’s) and skinny as a rail, with a smoky voice.

Anyway, Kay starts ordering bottles of Bud Light, and pretty soon she starts talking about her best friend who weighs 500 pounds. Here’s how she does it each time: she makes a statement about herself, and then follows it up with an opposite statement about her friend. Some examples:

“Me, I eat whatever I want all day—soda, French fries, mayonnaise—and still I never gain any weight. But my best friend who weighs five hundred pounds only eats white rice and chicken breasts, and she’s as big as a couch.”

“No matter what I do, I never seem to be able to save up any money. There’s always some veterinary bills or unexpected expense or something, or I make some kinda bad investment or get behind on my credit cards. But my best friend who weighs 500 pounds has money out her ears. When my son turned sixteen, she bought him a brand new car.”

“When I want to go somewhere, I just pull on my tennies and go. But my best friend who weighs five hundred pounds has to use a special machine just to get downstairs. It takes her twenty minutes.”

Are you with me? Doesn’t it seem like there is a moral to this story? Something that’s just on the tip of your tongue, but you can’t quite figure out what it is?

To me, it sounded like Goofus and Galant (from Highlights Magazine, for the confirmed philistines among you). Goofus does X, but Galant does Y. What should you do?

Anyway, I’ll tell you if I figure out the moral to the story. In the meantime, here are two more choice quotes from Kay.

“You probably think somebody who’s that big don’t worry about her appearance. Not my best friend who weighs 500 pounds. I never get my hair done, but she gets highlights and a manicure every five weeks.”

“Guys never really liked me. I can’t figure out why. But my best friend who weighs 500 pounds has guys crawling all over her. She’s already got six kids, each one of em from a different dad.”

JR